


Message In a Bottle

by outruntheavalanche



Category: NewsRadio
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 07:34:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15814350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outruntheavalanche/pseuds/outruntheavalanche
Summary: We have a—(makes airquotes)—situation.





	Message In a Bottle

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I wrote this a long time ago and just...stashed it in a folder. I imagined this as the the cold open before the opening credits roll. There was going to be more, with Matthew believing Bill faked his death but it turning out to be like Jimmy sending him letters from ~beyond~ because they all like Matthew and want him to keep the dream alive or something.
> 
> Someday I'll write a real NewsRadio fic.

Matthew: (Sitting at his desk writing a letter, concentrating very hard.)  
Beth: (Walks over to his desk and watches him for a little before speaking.) Hey. What’re you doing?  
Matthew: (Looks up at Beth and pushes his glasses up.) I’m writing a letter.  
Beth: Oh, cool. Who to?  
Matthew: (Looks back down and scribbles something out.) Oh, to Bill.  
Beth: Uh, Matthew . . .  
Matthew: What is it, Beth?  
Beth: Matthew, Bill is, uh, he’s . . . (Falters. Joe walks over to her.) Oh, thank God you’re here, Joe.  
Joe: Now that’s what I like to hear.  
Beth: We have a—(makes airquotes)—situation.  
Joe: A—(makes airquotes)—situation?  
Beth: (Leans in and whispers into Joe’s ear.)  
Joe: (Titillated.) Ooh, tell me more.  
Beth: (Slaps him on the shoulder.) _Joe_ , I’m being serious here. (Gestures to Matthew.) I don’t think he—knows.  
Joe: ’Course he knows. He’s just going through the denial stage of mourning. Perfectly normal. (Gives an oblivious Matthew a pointed look.)  
Beth: (Impressed.) Where’d you get that one, Dr. Phil?  
Joe: (Awkward.) I, uh, grief counseling, shut up, Beth.  
Beth: (Puts her hands up and backs away two steps. Makes like she’s locking her mouth up and throwing away a key.)  
Matthew: Could you two take the chit-chat over to the copier? It’s really distracting.  
Beth: Okay, Matthew. Oh, hey, can I take this to the recycling for you? (Grabs an empty glass pop bottle off Matthew’s desk.)  
Matthew: Oh my god, no! (Grabs it back.)  
Beth: (Recoils.) O. (Looks at Joe and shakes her head and shrugs at him.) Kay?  
Matthew: (Folds up letter and tries to stuff it into the bottle.)  
Beth: You do know that you have to, you know, actually put stamps and an address on it if you’re gonna send it out—and why are you gonna send it out to begin with?  
Matthew: So that Bill can get it, duh. (Gets letter in and corks bottle.)  
Beth: Matthew, you do remember that Bill is—not among us anymore, don’t you?  
Joe: He’s sittin’ in the great big radio booth in the sky. (Beth smacks him on the shoulder. Joe rubs his shoulder.) Ow, hey.  
Matthew: (Looks at Beth and Joe.) Why are you two talking to me like I’m a child? Of course I know he—(makes airquotes)—died.  
Beth and Joe: (Relieved laughter.)  
Matthew: We all know that’s just an elaborate ruse. Everyone knows Bill faked his death.  
Beth: Oh, not this again. (Throws up her hands and walks away.)  
Matthew: What?  
Joe: (Pats Matthew on the head.) Get some help, little buddy.  
Matthew: Why does everyone talk to me like I’m crazy? (Takes the bottle and walks off.)  
Dave: (Enters station and heads directly for the coffeemaker.)  
Lisa: (At the coffeemaker, making herself a cup.) Morning, Dave.  
Dave: Hi Lisa. (Fixes himself a cup of coffee.) Any reason why Matthew was trying to throw a pop bottle into the mail chute?  
Lisa: Is there ever a reason?  
Dave: Point. (Sips his coffee.) How’re you holding up?  
Lisa: I’m doing my best. You?  
Dave: It’s hard. I keep thinking he’s going to just waltz back into the booth any minute now.  
Lisa: (Nods, sympathetically.) It just isn’t the same without him.  
Dave: (Lowers his coffee mug.) I was thinking we could bring in a grief counselor, have him talk to the staff just to evaluate how everybody is dealing with Bills—you know—his thing.  
Lisa: His thing, Dave?  
Dave: His, you know. (Makes a hand gesture.)  
Lisa: (Incredulous laugh.) Maybe the grief counselor isn’t such a bad idea.  
Joe: (Runs in, flustered and panicked.)  
Dave: What is it, Joe? Did you discover the alien autopsy tape was really a hoax?  
Joe: No! Matthew just tried to flush his stupid bottle down the toilet!  
Dave: He—what? Oh no.  
Joe: Oh yes.  
~a wave of water sweeps into the office, drenching everybody~  
Dave: (Lowers his coffee mug and wipes the water out of his face.)  
Matthew: (Pokes his head in. Sheepishly.) Sorry guys.  
-opening credits-


End file.
